Update

I'm still fat.

Damn it.

It's my own fault.

I fail at exercising. I blame my bad knee (even though the doctor said that I can do anything I want). I blame prior commitments (even though I count a TV show as a commitment). I blame the cold weather (even though I've gone walking in 29 degrees).

There really isn't any excuse.

I just suck at this.

I see diets where they seem to be perfect. I can give up meat. Sure I can.

Then I see a commercial for a steakhouse....























Bastards.

I just need to stop eating crap and stop thinking that a diet can start tomorrow.

A reality slap to the head might help.

I am capable of doing it.

I need to find my mojo again. The mojo before I had a set back. The mojo that I had even though my knee was hurting and it was cold and even though I have a DVR.

I have to.

Damn it.

Never be the Skinny Chick

I will never be the skinny chick. I don't want to be. Seriously, look at that chick? Is she sexy? Can you honestly say that you'd enjoy hugging that?

Didn't think so.

My daughter, who is only 8 years old, often asks me if I am trying to get skinny. She knows I go to the gym. I have a rubber ball to work on my core. I started eating better and I am in a Biggest Loser contest at work. She thinks that all of these things contribute to my quest to be skinny.

I usually have to correct her.

I will never be skinny. I never want to be.

I love having curves.

Women should be curvy.

At least that is my opinion.

I never want my daughter to think that she has to be skinny to be accepted. I never want her to think she has to starve herself or puke up her dinner to be accepted. She doesn't need to take weight loss pills. I also don't want her to work out to the point of exhaustion to be accepted.

I do want her to be healthy.

She should learn to make healthy choices in whatever she does. Whether it be eating or exercising, there is a healthy balance. This should start with me.

When she asks me if I am trying to get skinny, I correct her and I say that I am just trying to get healthy.

I am trying to set the example.

and I ain't no skinny chick.

Jabba the Hut Joins the Gym

God, there are just some things about the holidays that I just absolutely despise. Cookies, candy, fudge, eggnog, cake, pie, steak, potatoes, yadda, yadda, yadda...you get the picture. Everything goes in my mouth and on my butt.

Ok, so it was just five pounds back on but still....

All I worked hard for seems to fall right by the wayside. I can't go out and walk because of the ice and snow. When I look in the mirror, Jabba the Hut looks right back at me.

Then I argue with the voices in my head.

"No one twisted your arm and shoved that stuff in your yap."

"Well, if you had more will power."

"But it was just one piece of fudge......times six."

Then I have a panic attack. How can I expect to be presentable to anyone when Jabba is in my body?

Then mom takes pictures which makes things worse because she sends them to me and tells me how good I look. Jesus Ma, can't you see the three chins I have?

Maybe I am just hard on myself and my self image is low.

Maybe....

Jabba thinks he just likes to eat and when he eats, he forgets about his butt.

This is why I took Jabba to the gym yesterday and fed him a salad for lunch.

Evil Evil Donuts

"Would you like some cake donuts? They're four for a dollar."

It was all I could do to not grab the clerk and choke her and scream, "Do you not know I am not eating that crap!"

Instead I politely declined and paid for my gas.

When I left I decided to get my gas at the station across the street from now on. It didn't have pizza by the slice, egg rolls and donuts for sale.

Convienence foods are difficult to pass up, especially when you are craving something.
What do you do when you want something so bad and it is all you can do to not buy it to satisfy that craving?

I usually talk myself out of it. I tell myself that I didn't lose 25 pounds by caving into the craving. Sometimes that doesn't always work so then I buy an apple or a banana and eat that.

When that doesn't work, I have to give into it.

If I don't the craving becomes really ugly and then I binge.

When that happens I feel so horrible and guilty to do that to myself.

It sucks.

The trick is to not let it go that far. I recognize the signs and give that craving enough to shut it up before it becomes an uncontrollable monster.

I can only do the best I can and accept the fact that I am going to have bad days. I shouldn't be too hard on myself, after all I am doing this all for my own health. It isn't for anyone else but me. I have to love myelf for who I am and take care of me to the best of my ability.

But I am still passing on the cake donuts.

Sometimes Calgon Just Ain't Enough

Recognizing the reasons we eat unhealthy things is a big step.

My biggest trigger is stress and/or depression.

Today was stressful; not just a small amount but stress of colossal proportions. I woke up thinking it was Friday when in fact it was actually Thursday. I didn't realize this until midway through the morning after three phone calls about a faulty program took place. I couldn't fix what needed to be fixed and in the mean time, I was pulled in several different directions all at once. Then to top it off, after two hours of trying to burn a DVD I was told that my computer wasn't capable of doing the task.I got up and when to the kitchen and opened the fridge, opened the candy drawers, the chip cupboard and walked out. I didn't take anything. I couldn't. I've been doing so well, I just couldn't let stress win today's battle. Instead I walked out of the kitchen and walked around the building.

I won that battle.

But the day wasn't over...

Later in the evening I had parent/teacher conferences with my daughter's teacher which meant I was meeting her father there. I don't know why but he stresses me out just by looking at him. Well, ok, I know why he stresses me out. We all have those kind of exes. I felt like throwing up when he was checking me out. I just feel that he has no right to do that but that's a whole other topic for a whole other blog.

So I am sitting there, trying to concentrate on what the teacher is telling me and my stress level climbs. I realized that I didn't eat since noon and I started to go into "I need crap to eat" mode.
I knew I wasn't going to be able to walk my stress off later, nor was I able to punch or kick something.

I just had to deal with it.

As I was sitting there I decided that I was going to go home and cook myself some eggs and wheat toast and just chill for a few to get back to a normal level of sanity.

It just seemed to take forever to get home.

When I got home I calmly made my eggs as my daughter nattered on about this and that. I felt bad about tuning her out but if I didn't find some sense of zen, I would totally be downing that gallon of ice cream that the kids begged me for. (damn kids)I did some light stretching and meditating to help offset the urge to eat crap.

It was tough.

But I won battle number two of the day...

I also drank a ton of water and sought for oceans of inner peace.

I think once we recognize what causes us to seek comfort food we can develop skills in avoiding temptation. Temptation will always be there whether it be sugary crap or crap that is high in fat, as long as Walmart is open 24 hours, we will be able to get our fix. We just need to substitute those cravings for comfort food with something else. It may be exercise, or calling a friend, meditation or anything else, just make it something other than eating.

And I Cried

Setting small goals and achieving them is like winning small battles to ultimately win the war.

I achieved a goal this week that sent me into a fit of tears.

All I wanted was to lose the weight I gained during my recovery from my accident. Having a badly broken knee was quite a struggle to stay fit. I couldn’t walk, run, jump, dance, swim…well, you get the picture.

I could eat.

And I did.

I am a depression eater. Whenever I am down I shove crap in my yap and it ends up becoming fat.

Not that I was gross looking but I felt it.

When I feel fat, I become even more depressed and then a horrible cycle occurs.

You get the picture.

The hardest part was accepting the fact that I needed to do something. I needed to stop the cycle and get up off the couch and start somewhere.

And I did.

I decided to start walking. I only walked a little in the beginning. I didn’t push myself but then I decided to do it more seriously. I increased my pace and started to feel good afterwards. Then I increased my distance along with the pace and I started to feel great afterwards. I then started to add weight training and stretching before and afterwards and I started to feel even greater afterwards.

I also changed my eating habits. Now when I’m depressed or sad I reach for a banana or a yogurt instead of chips or M & Ms.

Then I saw results.

Two months after starting on this new way of living I lost not only the weight I gained from recovery but also ten extra pounds.

And I cried.

Now a new goal has been set.

I am starting water aerobics next week to tone and firm. I will continue to walk and train with weights. I will continue to watch what I eat.

I will meet my next goal.

Pain is Just Weakness Leaving the Body

No pain no gain…..blah blah blah.

It gets hard to work your body when pain is involved. I struggle with recovery from an injury over a year and a half ago. I find myself wishing I was back to normal.

I could use my broken knee as an excuse to cut back or to stay sitting on the couch, but I don’t. I continue to work through the pain. My end goal is more important.

My mom expressed concern over the fact that I may injure my knee again. With four screws holding Humpty together, it is understandable. I think she worries about it being weak or if I take one wrong step I could twist it. I try not to think of that and am just aware of where I step and how I step and so on. I have a brace. After working it, I ice it and take ibuprofen.

Sometimes it takes me a bit to work up the courage to go out and walk the 3-5 miles. I know that afterwards it hurts. I hate that part. I hate it so much that I often think to myself that I don’t want to go out and do it. But I then make myself do it.

I have to.

Because I want the end result.