Update

I'm still fat.

Damn it.

It's my own fault.

I fail at exercising. I blame my bad knee (even though the doctor said that I can do anything I want). I blame prior commitments (even though I count a TV show as a commitment). I blame the cold weather (even though I've gone walking in 29 degrees).

There really isn't any excuse.

I just suck at this.

I see diets where they seem to be perfect. I can give up meat. Sure I can.

Then I see a commercial for a steakhouse....























Bastards.

I just need to stop eating crap and stop thinking that a diet can start tomorrow.

A reality slap to the head might help.

I am capable of doing it.

I need to find my mojo again. The mojo before I had a set back. The mojo that I had even though my knee was hurting and it was cold and even though I have a DVR.

I have to.

Damn it.

Jabba the Hut Joins the Gym

God, there are just some things about the holidays that I just absolutely despise. Cookies, candy, fudge, eggnog, cake, pie, steak, potatoes, yadda, yadda, yadda...you get the picture. Everything goes in my mouth and on my butt.

Ok, so it was just five pounds back on but still....

All I worked hard for seems to fall right by the wayside. I can't go out and walk because of the ice and snow. When I look in the mirror, Jabba the Hut looks right back at me.

Then I argue with the voices in my head.

"No one twisted your arm and shoved that stuff in your yap."

"Well, if you had more will power."

"But it was just one piece of fudge......times six."

Then I have a panic attack. How can I expect to be presentable to anyone when Jabba is in my body?

Then mom takes pictures which makes things worse because she sends them to me and tells me how good I look. Jesus Ma, can't you see the three chins I have?

Maybe I am just hard on myself and my self image is low.

Maybe....

Jabba thinks he just likes to eat and when he eats, he forgets about his butt.

This is why I took Jabba to the gym yesterday and fed him a salad for lunch.

Blah

Some days are harder than others….even when you do everything right. You eat right, exercise, sleep enough, drink enough water, blah blah blah.

But it’s hard.

You look in the mirror and it mocks you. You don’t see the healthy person you are becoming.
Least that’s what happened to me this morning.

Some days are just hard.

I woke up feeling blah and looked in the mirror and just felt ugly and fat. It happens.

I just try to grin and bear it. The feeling passes.

But it’s still hard.

When you live so long feeling one way and then try to change how you feel about yourself it doesn’t always happen all the time.

I still love me. I still take care of me.

There are just those oh so not feeling it moments.

Today was one of those moments….

Even with eating all the right things and walking/jogging over five miles, I wasn’t feeling good about myself at all. It’s understandable to be frustrated but I keep telling myself that Rome wasn’t built in a day. Sometimes I wish it was so I could just go “HA!” but it wasn’t. It takes hard work and time.

But it’s hard.

*sigh*

Don’t Need No Stinkin Gym

Gyms are expensive and sometimes inefficient. I used to pay $40 a month for my gym. Forty dollars is a lot of money for something you don’t really end up using.

I mean I did use it and it was working for me but then I lost my motivation to go. The gym was in the same town where I worked which only allowed me to use it during the lunch hour. I live 30 miles away which made doing it after work quite difficult since I had to come home and feed the kids.



When I was able to use it, I would use the weight machines and ride a bike. I’d get all sweaty and then change back into my work clothes. It was just gross.



So I cancelled my membership.



Actually, you really don’t need a gym to exercise. Basic walking is a good start, a very good start. I beats the heck out of sitting on the couch and watching mindless television.
Get out there and move.



I also incorporated toning. I do it right on my living room floor. I also have some belly dancing videos that help work the core muscles. Just stretching your muscles can work wonders.



You don’t need to go to a gym, you just need to get up off the couch and move.

So it begins again

I used to blame my weight on other factors such as stress, no will power, my knee, my back, my inability to get my ass off the couch. Well, you get the picture.

I need some motivation. I need to find it within myself to get back to a healthy way of living. I just need to not feel bad about myself everytime I look in the mirror.

I did lose weight once before just after my divorce. I dropped about 65 pounds like it was nothing. I was feeling good and looking good. Everyone complimented me...

Then it happened.

I fell off a ladder and broke my knee pretty bad. I couldn't walk. I hit a brick wall.

That was a year ago.

Since then I put 40 pounds back on. 40! ugh.....

So now I have my work cut out for me.

And so it begins.....

again.